Fussy Bitch

Goodnight Saigon

2008-10-10T00:07:00.003+01:00

I dunno, I feel like I should blog, feel like I owe some sign of life to my online friends whose blogs I still follow if not comment on, feel like there's something left, unfinished, not quite ended properly here at angela-la-land. But. At the same time, I don't feel it's real. Annoyed by the use of 'but' as a whole sentence? Confused? Think yourself lucky, if you were me you would be. Both.

When the world ends

2008-09-09T11:38:00.005+01:00

This song seems appropriate, I think. The video isn't great but you just listen while you read, the lyrics are great and Dave Matthews voice is lickable.It's tomorrow, apparently. End of the world. We're all doomed. What a pain in the arse!Obviously the whole humanity dying out thing, but moreso because not only have I just done up the lounge...Forget No 1 Son and the dog auditioning for Strictly

Fucksake

2008-08-21T02:10:00.005+01:00

My life is boring,my life is shit.A silver liningwhere the fuck is it?I haven't blogged cos I didn't want to bore you to death with tales of kids being on school holidays - six weeks - and me tiling and re-decorating the bathroom - three fucking weeks! I can't believe how long it took considering there was no plumbing involved (cos I'm not allowed to replace the avocado suite that belongs to my

Doing bird

2008-07-14T10:53:00.000+01:00

In twelve hours time I'll be sitting on a plane next to Bing, hand in hand on our way to a lovely, adults only*, hotel in Turkey.Being due to leave at 5pm Monday I of course decided to go out Friday night for dinner and a movie with sis then spent Saturday reading how-to-tile sites, shopping for plastic bags for hand luggage liquids, cleaning everywhere and hiding the contents of my, er, knicker

insert punny post title here

2008-07-13T00:14:00.000+01:00

Much as I love them, I just don't have the mental energy to think of a punny or alliterative title. I have also lost the ability to edit so I apologise for the nonsense that is this random, interrupted* stream of consciousness.I often refer to my mother as an emotional vampire but I've come to realise that it's not just her, it's everyone that isn't me. My second most often thought phrase is 'for

Procrastinating pain?

2008-07-09T00:53:00.002+01:00

No 1 Son has gone to bed.Bing has gone to bed.I'm two hours into a dose of paracetomol plus and a good way down a bottle of brandy.The instruction leaflet didn't have proper, tested timing for my 800w microwave so I did some quick mental arithmetic and watched closely for signs of explosion.I carefully carried the pot to where I had laid out a newspaper (bought specially as I read all my news

Lady with a baby!

2008-07-08T22:55:00.002+01:00

No, not me. Sudders.Clare. Lovely, massively pregnant Clare Sudbery, who has a birthday tomorrow.A birthday that will be overshadowed by her huuuge bump.If you're feeling lovely please pop over to her and say something birthdayish. She'll love it.I'm now about to wax my legs for the first time.I apologise if my screams disturb readers in the north.

Dirty dog

2008-07-08T00:20:00.002+01:00

I could start this two ways, so I will.1 - I really do love my dog, but...2 - Could've been worse; what if your dog...I can only finish in one way, however. This being, the way of truth.Dog saunters through the french doors as No 1 Son and I are watching a skyplussed Last King of Scotland and bickering over who is the true pack leader. Dog walks directly to me and licks my hand. I guffaw towards

screeeeeam

2008-07-06T02:38:00.002+01:00

That is all.

World, shut yer mouth

2008-07-02T03:24:00.002+01:00

If you're a reader rather than a watcher (and I can so very understand that) the lyrics are:Well you know I said I'd love you for all time. Well sometimes I just can't believe you're mine. But every now and then I'm ready to say when Oh, baby I love you, just leave me the fuck alone. Well in your arms is where I'll always stay But something deep inside says not today Well I'll be sitting here

Reality TV

2008-06-21T02:37:00.003+01:00

More4 - No child of mineFilm Four - Girl, InterruptedAfter viewing the safely vacant fluff that is Sex and the City, what the fuck possesses me to watch things that touch much closer to home?I can't help but wonder...when faced with happiness, do I covet the familiarity of my nightmares?

Come in number 39, your time is up

2008-06-17T23:59:00.001+01:00

The day before I turned 9 - I realised the man my mother married wasn't the saviour he was made out to be.The day before I turned 19 - I met the man I would marry and have three children with in order to escape the man that was a monster.The day before I turned 29 - I met the man I would leave my marriage for and, from then on, was made out to be a monster.The day before I turned 39 - I'd had

Bodgrum

2008-06-17T13:42:00.003+01:00

Bing is taking me on holiday.A million websites and discussions later we find somewhere that neither of us has been to*A thousand review sites later we select a lovely 4 star, adults only hotel**A hundred comparisons later we find a company that offers the combination of flight time/price/transfer we (or rather, I) want***A minute later he declares an important meeting and leaves me his card to

Nonsense and sensitivity

2008-06-16T02:33:00.003+01:00

Thoughts and feelings fight through fingers to make sense and no-one wins. Non-sense is all there is...How can those that I love most drive me so crazy with constant verbal input yet make me feel so desperately alone at the same time? Why can't everyone that I love just love each other and be nice?39 is scarier than 40 because now it's approaching I realise I have to fit a shitload of stuff into

Blooky wook

2008-06-08T23:59:00.002+01:00

Peach and the team have done it! You're not the only one is available now! Buy it!(I'm in it but don't let that put you off cos so are a lot of really fabulous people like... well, just buy it will ya! Why are you still here anyway? Get thee to lulu bearing card details! Jeez!)

Diying a death

2008-06-01T02:55:00.002+01:00

My children laugh when I attempt to pass on DIY skills. They tell me they'll earn enough money to pay someone else to it rather than get dirty themselves.The past three days have been spent drowning in Solvite whilst trying not to disturb the male members of my family during important TV programmes. I've been re-decorating my living room (lounge-diner, in estate agent speak). Throughout this

Grown-up gripe

2008-05-29T01:28:00.001+01:00

No, not the moan you'd expect from the title, just a quick question from a nearly 39yo woman with hideous hiccups...Why isn't there gripe water for grown ups?

Another ad post

2008-05-28T23:04:00.000+01:00

Not a chocolate penis to be seen today, just something that reinforced how badly ad-(wo)men can get it wrong sometimes.No 1 Son is a typical hollow-legged teen and will eat anything - including your dinner if you don't lick it before he can nick it - so when I noticed the Shreddies box was still full on shopping day I was curious.His answer to why he'd stopped inhaling his previous favourite

Bing-day

2008-05-27T23:37:00.000+01:00

It's Bing's birthday. The gift I ordered for him didn't turn up on time due to my not factoring in bank holiday postal delays. I didn't buy a card in advance due to bank holiday lethargy. My first words to him this morning were 'move over before I elbow you in the face'.I am a bad girlfriend.I did, however, have babygirl put the Happy Birthday banners over the various samples of wallpaper stuck

Twisted ad men

2008-05-26T23:08:00.000+01:00

Yeah, I missed posting yesterday. May I have a day off of May I? Of course I may, it was my stupid idea in the first place! (Personally I think this entry is definitely two, even three days worth of blogging being that it encompasses sex, satire and pop culture all in one post. Read three blogs in the tea-break? Not me, I use fussybitch!)Anyway, on to the post...Is it just me that thinks this

The depps of politics

2008-05-24T23:08:00.006+01:00

The pirates were robbed!I truly believe that Russia split into 89 different separate countries simply to win Eurovision.Our dustman's song sounded quite good. Till the other 23 were shown.Still, I say again...The pirates were robbed! He had a plastic sword and girls with their boobs hanging out and everything!*sings*Hii hii heee, hii hii hooo, we are the wolves of the sea! (translation courtesy

Oops

2008-05-23T22:07:00.002+01:00

I was planning to post a review of Dazza's cdbut I eated it.So bite me.

Ken Dodd's dad's dogs died

2008-05-22T23:52:00.002+01:00

I never realised how close I'd allowed myself to get to the mate that sits next to me at college till she texted to say she'd be coming in late due to her kids being upset over their dog being put to sleep the day before.As we've had two intense days of written tests and assessments, in silence and at different to normal stations, I've hardly spoken to her.I mailed her tonight to finally express

Suggestion box

2008-05-21T22:34:00.001+01:00

Continuing my fluttering of de-cluttering, I finally finished sorting through every piece of music I own. Anything I still wish to own has been ripped to the family server. If that hdd ever dies, I'm screwed. Anyway...All the original cds are going to my favourite charity shop. The cases from the, er, non-original cds are going to be freecycled. One man's rubbish and all that.So, given my

Tits-up tuesday

2008-05-20T23:40:00.001+01:00

Bing bought a bottle of what he thought was brandy but turned out to be this stuff, which even I cannot bring myself to drink.Babygirl's hormonal mood swings are giving everyone in the house serious pms (pissy madam syndrome).Babyboy took the dog out at 9pm. Two hours later I phoned and told him to get my dog and his arse home. I'm dealing with him tomorrow.No 1 Son managed to shatter the glass

No such thing as a good bye

2008-05-19T21:52:00.000+01:00

I taught my last class tonight.As I casually mentioned the fact I looked at the shocked, some even stricken, faces of my students and - saved by the bell - avoided the room full of emotion by nipping off to check my phone which was insistently beeping the arrival of an sms.The message was a request to cover a class.My students will cope without me.

Perverts poo

2008-05-18T23:51:00.001+01:00

What a load of shit!That is all.

Lights out

2008-05-17T23:08:00.002+01:00

As I lent my floral patterned lighter to a friend in college and forgot to get it back on Friday, I'm reduced to using the spares that float about at the bottom of handbags.One dispenses gas but has an unreliable spark.The other has a spark but only occasionally lets out enough gas to make a flame.After a few hours of giggling at my struggle and sore thumb, Babyboy informed me that using both

Don't smack this bitch up

2008-05-16T23:04:00.001+01:00

I love sex. Really, for someone that had a far too early thus fairly shitty start to it all, I'd class myself as a bit bloody rampant where consenting adults are concerned.I've done the dressing up stuff, broken bunnies, made email fantasies happen, used things that need batteries one would normally only see when taking a watch to the jewelers, seconded my electric toothbrush and been a willing

Coward

2008-05-15T23:17:00.000+01:00

So I told sensei that I was leaving karate.Then sneaked out with a bright 'see you all later' rather than tell my mates.

Write and wrong

2008-05-14T22:15:00.000+01:00

This May I? thing has been a good for me in terms of giving myself a deadline for writing something. I've remembered how much I get from spilling my thoughts through the keyboard, so much so that I've spent much of the day replying to a vitriolic letter from my step-aunt.When it's done I'll post it up here. I'm really rather proud of it.

Anal pleasures

2008-05-13T23:46:00.005+01:00

I'm bent over at the waist.The sun shines in through the open window.I'm hot and sweaty from the exertion but still, a smile plays on my lips.Then, before I realise what's happening,I'm on my knees, one hand supporting my upper body...the other, furiously rubbing.I like it best this way. It allows easier access to the deeper, more secret parts. Parts rarely, if ever accessed by human hand but oh,

How hard can it be?

2008-05-12T22:45:00.001+01:00

There was an assessment in today's balloon class.Balloon tutor is so caught up in running/growing her company, being a mother to young children and becoming a name in the field that forward planning for her students is way behind so we do a practice one week and an assessment the next.I missed the practice for this piece.She did her best to warn me that it wasn't something to be attempted by

Bollocks. On a spiky stick.

2008-05-11T23:29:00.000+01:00

Grading went well, all my students passed.Then Sensei, he of the newness but niceness and technical brillness, gathers everyone to announce that he's leaving the post.I come home to a fridge full of lovely things to barbecue and eat together in the sunshine.Then Babyboy, he of the groundedness for naughtiness, didn't get home on time for dinner after ostensibly walking the dog. For three hours.I

Girl meets love, girl loses love...

2008-05-10T10:37:00.000+01:00

Thursday was a long day. I have students due for grading so I forced myself to train despite my exhaustion from college and the energy-sapping heat of this English spring. Or maybe this is summer, all 8 days of it. Whatever...I've not been training regularly since January. I still teach every week but I'd lost the love of training for myself. Nothing sudden, no major revelation, just a creeping

Do you know...

2008-05-09T23:50:00.002+01:00

...how cute a bloody great huge dog can look when she curls up into a ball after carefully arranging her blankets and then looks at you with the most gorgeous chocolate brown eyes as if to say 'thanks for the blankets, mum'?That much cuteness should be illegal.In other news, I tripped over a power cable and sent my laptop crashing to the floor this morning. So far only the space bar seems to be

Quickie

2008-05-09T02:08:00.002+01:00

It's 2.08am. OK, I'm slightly late but I've not been to bed so it's still today in my life which means I'm adhering to my May I? challenge, so there.What was it I wanted to say?Er...That Boris, eh? Mayor!My bit of Essex gets a vote for Londonisms, being as we're paying our council tax for 2012 and all that.I apologise for abstaining. Not that my little vote would have helped the result, more that

Bring me sunshine

2008-05-07T12:43:00.003+01:00

The children are all in uniform and at their respective schools.Bing has had to don his corporate outfit and go to a real office to manage his incidents.I'm about to put on a thick layer of sunscreen and a thin layer of clothing, walk to town and run some errands.After that I shall sit in the garden, dog at my feet and coursework at hand, using both sides of my brain as I complete a scale drawing

Bingles

2008-05-06T10:29:00.000+01:00

A selection of the things my Bing comes out with....for fucks sake, it's like plaiting fog!...in mythology, ravens could talk....should be shot. (This one gets repeated fairly often)...how could anyone not know that?!...Phwoar. Nom, nom, nom....Babe, look at this! Did you see that? I'll rewind it....two to the power of 64 plus all the rest, is probably more rice than has been produced, ever....

How much?!

2008-05-05T23:08:00.000+01:00

I - no, we - are planning to redecorate now the house has been de-cluttered and moved around a bit. The first and most urgent room is the lounge.Being someone that likes soft warmth under their bare-most-of-the-time feet I never did buy into the sanded floorboard/laminated throughout trend that swept the nation over the last decade or so. Thus the carpet, that matches both the seating and the

De-nuttering

2008-05-04T18:33:00.003+01:00

Freecycle is great for all kinds of weird and wonderful finds but I fear some women are taking this 'gift your unwanted items' idea a little too far...

Space, the final front room

2008-05-03T11:32:00.000+01:00

Sausage sandwiches all round and we were set. After I carefully placed all important paperwork into a few carrier bags, Bing and Babyboy pulled out every last piece of furniture for me to vacuum behind before we moved something else into its place. I took breaks to log onto freecycle as we worked, some things snapped up almost immediately, others left on-list to face their fate at the tip on

Knicker nicker

2008-05-02T23:19:00.004+01:00

I say knickers, it's also bras. And socks. Mostly the boys, partly because they're smelly and partly because they're usually left around within easy reach.Basically if anything is missing you can bet you'll find it in the dog's den. The dog that has fast learned that being told off is over much sooner if you can master this look...My little blogging heart cockles have been warmed by the people

Demented

2008-05-01T23:39:00.003+01:00

In the beginning, there was light.Excuse me as I paraphrase the bible (more than likely, really badly. I saw the film years ago but never read the book properly).The beginning I'm talking about is the one which, for most people, involves a journey down a dark, squishy tunnel culminating in very bright, overhead lights and a smack on the arse if they don't cry quick enough on arrival.If life is

I don't bite...

2008-04-30T01:01:00.006+01:00

...well, not unless you pay more. Haha!This is one of my favourite jokes for putting people at ease during overly emotional or stressful situations. I have cupboard-lots of similar, situation specific lines stored away in my head and they never fail to make people feel better. I talk a good 'un and never deliberately tongue-lash anyone in need.So why do I still, apparently, permanently scar

May I?

2008-04-28T00:54:00.003+01:00

I used to think quality over quantity. Lately I find myself in awe of bloggers like my lovely aussie mate Vi that find something interesting to write about on such a regular basis. I've never been the most prolific of posters but even I realise that I've lost the blog habit. Blabbit? I like that.I miss it. Mentally speaking. I feel out of control in almost every aspect of my life and I have to

Pooke

2008-04-28T00:07:00.001+01:00

Pooke.My made-up word for the dual action of poo and puke, sickness and diarrhea, two-eys and hueys, shit and shinola, chucking it out both ends, you know?I'm emotionally drowning in it and physically surrounded by it.Babygirl got the bug first. Whilst sitting up all night holding her hair back I sent thanks to the God I don't believe in that at least something was stopping her from mixing with

It's not me, it's you

2008-04-20T02:55:00.000+01:00

Dearest B,I think you know what I'm going to say but, for the sake of a clean break, I need to make it crystal clear. This relationship isn't working, for me at least.I'm leaving.Darling, please don't think that I don't remember or appreciate all that you've done for me. The unstinting support you gave during the darkest hours of my teens, marriage during my twenties, divorce at thirty and

You alright?

2008-04-11T02:43:00.006+01:00

No, I'm half left. Hahaha! What about you, how's your relationship/work/childcare/diet/affair problem going? Last I heard was...And so they talkAnd so I mutemy other half.Because the other half; the half that's really all there is left, is the boring, whinging, not very nice, useless, depressed half. The half that I know needs a voice more often but is so easily gagged because it's neither use

Insanity

2008-04-07T23:55:00.004+01:00

is hereditary. You get it from your kids, says the mildly amusing fridge magnet industry.I was one of the mildly amused. Until my own kids began to drive my own, only recently stabilised, mind far off the edge of normality and into into a screaming red pit of what the fuckness.I thought I knew the worst of what teens could get up to, having personally lived those years and watched over those of

Spring forward

2008-03-30T03:00:00.002+01:00

You'd think,what with my having a shitty week/fortnight/month and all,whether awake or attempting to sleep,that I'd be chuffed to have an hour of shittiness taken away.I'm not. Not in the least am I happy with this clock changing thing.I hate when people mess with time(Well...unless it's David Tennant)he can mess with anything of mine that he likes.I'd even pay.It occurred to me last night that

Vanishing point

2008-03-27T01:26:00.004Z

I've been angsting.Searching desperately for the hours alone that I need to dissect my past and check that I really have moved on and stopped allowing it to affect my present.Digging through feelings, memories, empathies, personal truths, pre-conceived perceptions and private realities.And then, tonight, quite suddenly;I concluded that it's all a load of bollocks.Wouldn't ya know, the power of

Bloggin' eck!

2008-03-25T02:50:00.003Z

Since whinging en blog about my children being horrible they've deigned to give me the most peaceful, loving easter holiday I've had in a very long time.Since whinging en blog about not getting laid enough... well, let's just say quality can beat quantity sometimes.Since blogging my problem issues appears to manifest fast, even if only short-lived, solutions I feel it's worth mentioning that I'm

The bad news...

2008-03-19T02:48:00.003Z

Is that my kids may well scupper my plans. Or be the death of me, whichever comes first.Yep, all three of my beautiful, clever, fun, lovely, well-adjusted children have been kidnapped by gypsies and replaced by two hulking hooligans and a hellish hormonal harpy.No 1 Son. Taking GCSEs. He's behind in coursework due to lazy first drafts and, not content with being one of the brightest and the

First, the good news

2008-03-18T14:33:00.020Z

All this studying is really leading somewhere and I'm actually quite pleased at what I can create these days. Things such as...Sad flowers -Happy flowers -Fun flowers -Fancypants flowers -Balloons - And even flowers made from balloons.At this rate I'll be ready to set up a small business this summer. The bad news, however...

7 month glitch

2008-03-12T11:18:00.003Z

Bing and I have become a married couple.It's a culmination of our deep love and respect for each other. A mutual wish to show adoration every day in the little ways that matter in long term relationships.Making a surprise cuppa for the one that's engrossed in a project with a deadline, giggling as we compete at scrabulous across the room, separate yet together, or at television qiuzzes sitting

Peace of my mind

2008-03-05T03:19:00.000Z

For a bubbly, gregarious person, I've always needed a ridiculously large amount of time on my own to retain some semblance of sanity.Don't get me wrong, I'm hardly a hermit. A true gemini, I absolutely love socialising, communicating, sharing written and spoken language, finding common bonds and understanding differences. People simply fascinate me, to the point where meeting new ones turns me

Smile!

2008-03-03T16:48:00.002Z

Feeling down? A little blue? Look what Angie has for you!Either print this out or hold your laptop in front of a mirror as you grin over the top.A 992 iT@WT biquT2@ pnilim29mProper post coming soon, honest.

Ch-ch-changes

2008-02-27T22:32:00.003Z

I have a to-do list as long as a very long thing and I'm mentally running round like a blue arsed fly so what do I do today?Redesign the blog that I don't have time to post to, obviously!

Blog for life

2008-02-16T01:52:00.003Z

I run the race for life cos I'm a big supporter of fit tits.I submitted an entry or four to be considered for this cos I'm a mum who fed her babies with the aforementioned boobs and, from the minute I gave birth to my progeny I became concerned that other people's babies were caught up in shit far worse than me having an existential fucking crisis.If you're still reading here despite my prolonged

Someone elses mum

2008-02-05T03:52:00.000Z

The first parent consultation evening of Babygirl's secondary school career. I try desperately not to spluttercoughchoke as I hear how keen she is to help with tidying, then quickly scout around for my stern face when I'm told she's top of the form - for negative notes on the e-behaviour system.After that we loiter, waiting to be fitted in for a slot with the history teacher we missed our

Carma

2008-02-04T23:44:00.000Z

Stepdad gave his car to a colleague to keep it running and watched over.Colleague got nicked for drink driving.Car is impounded, to be released only to the registered keeper on production of id and vehicle documents.Registered keeper is in prison until August.Car is crushed.Carma.

Life is estrange

2008-02-01T02:14:00.000Z

I'm sitting here in the midst of an essay about the historical effects of fashion and colour on floral arrangements during the Georgian era, with UKTV fucking Gold in the background. (Don't get me wrong - I love my pink laptop - but willingly admit it's a slight pain not having instant access to my 14gig musical library unless my desktop, nowadays known as the family server, is powered up and

RIP Silver Lining Woman

2008-01-24T01:39:00.000Z

How do people blog so much in the midst of SAD season?Don't get me wrong, I have blog fodder moments every day - sometimes multiple - but the over-riding fear that posting them would make anyone still reading here sign up to the Bridgend section of Bebo makes me click delete rather than save or publish.'Cos I can't make depression sound mysterious and glamorous like Ms R can, nor can I cope with

Ever feel a boob?

2008-01-09T22:11:00.000Z

Sis had a weekend away and popped in to me afterward to collect Nephew E."I've got you something..." she said as she prepared to leave, "it was so you I couldn't resist"In the bag she hands me is a t-shirt.It's black but feels like soft, quality cotton and does have some of my signature pink in the form of the breast cancer campaign ribbon and snazzy slogan. Being a proud Race for Life runner and

Busy bullets

2008-01-06T23:16:00.000Z

It's been busy.Sis A and Sis B went to court over Nephew E. It's a long story that involves social workers, methadone programs, DNA testing and various other things you see on Jerry Springer and can't quite believe are peoples real lives.Bing arrived to stay for almost three weeks over christmas. I didn't run away screaming. Bing met Sis B. And didn't run back up north screaming.Sis A had yet

Kyu-te!

2007-12-12T00:26:00.000Z

That's it, I'm officially old. My blood pressure is high. Ridiculously so, despite the lovely practice nurse chatting about embarrassing her children by booking to go to the IOW festival in order to relax me as she reset the machine twelve times in fifteen minutes.Still, I came away with another script for keepmesanes (along with an appointment for the 2nd Jan to confirm whether I was still at

Puke and pettiness

2007-12-04T14:08:00.000Z

I'm ill. No, make that sick; I'm sick.I ran out of keep-me-sane tablets* and hadn't been able to sort out the blood pressure test that will resume supplies, mostly down to being so messed up from sudden cessation. I have an upset stomach, a brain that doesn't actually hurt but constantly shakes in my skull and my eyes feel so fragile in their sockets I worry that they'll fall straight down the

Mish Mash Bosh

2007-11-28T01:26:00.000Z

Randomness currently keeping me awake...I hate this template but can't make my ideas work properly within the parameters of the medium. Does this make me an artist?*When I was young a neighbour gave me nightmares when she showed me her 'freaky hair'. Not, this time, a creation of the other neighbour who'd learned hairdressing from watching her cousin and earned pin money ever after by butchering

Grr!

2007-11-19T01:27:00.000Z

This post is a homage to Mr Angry.It's my offloading just a few of the things that make me want to punch some people in the stupid face until my whole forearm is warm and sticky with their blood, creating a pleasing contrast with the bone that's gradually disintegrating under my well aimed fist. Cos, all said and done, I'm really not very happy.1- People saying an hotel, an homage, an anything

It's life, Jim

2007-11-16T00:43:00.000Z

For the purposes of this post I assume that if you're reading, you actually do give half a shit.Y'know why I've not blogged for eons? Cos life fucking sucks.Not as well as I do, obviously - golf balls, hose pipes blah blah blah - but it still sucks like a freshly emptied Dyson. And it makes me think...Who wants to read that being class rep at college is actually more a test of how much you can '

Solitaire

2007-11-04T01:17:00.000Z

Bill Gates knew what he was doing when he integrated this game into windows. I've never been a card player despite my East End roots but lately even I can lose myself, engrossed in using a spade to dig for a diamond, placing blacks on reds and just gagging for the opportunity to free up a stack and lay a king.When you're running a one minute mental mile just to slide backwards slightly slower and

What price love?

2007-10-27T01:14:00.000+01:00

Because I needed to know how my monetary situation would change if, as planned, Bing accepts his next contract down south and moves in with us in January, I did some sums recently.I'm the very person politicians mean when they talk about personal debt. I've been too mentally screwed up to work properly since my first breakdown and too locked into the poverty trap to do so since my divorce. Much

Ooh, haven't you grown!

2007-10-14T01:47:00.000+01:00

I do believe we are all, no matter how young at heart or immature we may be, familiar with those little episodes in life that bring us up short and suddenly make us feel very, very old. Dare I say, mortal, even?Perhaps you've caught yourself uttering a particular phrase to your offspring that your own parent used when you were a child? Realised maybe that the Community Support Officers (they

My growler is no pussy

2007-10-07T23:47:00.000+01:00

Bing's job title is 'problem solver'. Actually, his whole lifestyle is 'problem solver', so when I mentioned something in passing last weekend I was only slightly surprised to see him online researching it Friday night.After a while he called me over to discuss his findings and I was immediately struck by a most handsome lad going by the name of Boycie. This was, however, a very big decision for

Come, come! Save the earth

2007-10-01T23:31:00.000+01:00

According to a recent poll*, women that enjoy plenty of orgasms are most likely to be environmentally aware. This scientific study has proven that:Lusty ladies keep their lighting low - not, as previously thought, to add ambience but in fact, to save fossil fuels.They share baths and showers with lovers to keep the earths temperature down - and theirs up.This then means they can set their central

Bitchy Blogday!

2007-09-26T23:37:00.000+01:00

Cor, blimey! This blog is now, officially, one year old.And now for the boring, introspective, self-absorbed, wtf-does-she-think-she-is? bollocks.I've never managed to keep a diary as long before so do forgive me if I'm a little bit proud of an achievement that I know is truly trivial when viewed on a national / global / universal scale.In fact, to save you the effort of handing me my arse with a

How d'ya like me now?

2007-09-23T21:49:00.000+01:00

Busy, busy, busy. Mostly in a good way.I reckon I'll have time to draw breath around tuesday or wednesday but in the meantime, this week is my one year blogday so I thought I'd celebrate by designing me a new template.Whad'ya think?Edit: Grr. I've just noticed some things I'm very not happy with. Link colours, the lack of a post separator and suchlike. Feel free to throw constructive criticism at

PMS (Poxy Mental Synapses)

2007-09-14T09:59:00.000+01:00

Ick. My mind is all over the place of late and this post will no doubt reflect the lack of a mental A-Z, let alone sat-nav in my psyche so be warned, dear reader, and take care lest this madness is contagious.Babygirl is settled into BIG SCHOOL and loving it. Me? I'm still having problems, not least of which is trying to explain to her just why Babyboy doesn't even so much as acknowledge her

If Carlsberg made boyfriends...

2007-09-06T00:47:00.000+01:00

They'd have a geeks techy brain wrapped in a rugby player's body.They'd send fancy flowers from interflora and plain packages from lovehoney.They'd separate your portion before adding chilli peppers to the dinner they cooked for everyone. And serve your sauce on the side if it's the least bit hot or spicy, just in case.They'd defuse your tension over who paid for the ingredients at the checkout

(Tell me why) I don't like memes

2007-09-05T03:01:00.000+01:00

< .protest >I'm only doing this cos I like your spunk, BG! And just because I like to chuck wobblies and be different I'm adding two more P's - Past and Present. So there. Ooh, I'm tough!< /.protest >Passion - Past - Non-existentPresent - Non-stopPurpose - Past - Emotional support of women and sexual gratification of menPresent - Emotional support of my children and soulful gratification of

Do you hear what I hear?

2007-09-04T00:19:00.000+01:00

08:45 BST, Tuesday 4th September, 2007.Stop what you're doing and just listen...Women all over the country will let out a deep, satisfied sigh then light a cigarette or click the kettle on. Local variations may include quiet tears or cries of 'oh, yes!'.School is back in session.

Meltdown

2007-08-29T18:49:00.001+01:00

If I'd been a friend of mine I'd have told me it's been coming for weeks. Babygirl going up to secondary school, kids being home for six weeks, my starting college again, meeting a lovely new bloke. All change!All change causes tensions, all tensions must have an outlet. Be nice to yourself, I'd have counselled with care and wisdom. Take time to look after your soul, assert your needs and meet

First dates - a how NOT to guide

2007-08-25T13:47:00.000+01:00

Given that Bing and I had clicked so well before meeting I had every intention of ignoring any of the standard male behaviour that would normally have me chewing my inner cheek, allowing him to be human - complete with the accompanying failings - and even upgrading my one strike and you're out rule to three - three! - strikes.And you know what?I'm damn lucky he isn't so fucked up and judgemental

Losing my religion

2007-08-23T15:25:00.000+01:00

"Stay in for a while this afternoon", he says.That's strange, I think. The parcel we ordered isn't due for another couple of days.That I wasn't expecting these made them even more lovely...He assures me he does have faults but so far, he just keeps getting better. I do believe I'm in danger of losing my cynicism...

Candy floss

2007-08-21T16:55:00.000+01:00

has replaced my brain. It must have happened overnight last thursday cos I was like a tit in a trance the whole weekend that Mr Wishlist was here and still can't get myself together enough to type it up properly.In short, I was a pilchard.He (Bing) was 23 out of 26 ABC points.He's coming back to work on the other three...

As one door closes...

2007-08-13T16:19:00.000+01:00

Having a sister who is a counsellor means I'm often nagged encouraged to gain closure over life situations in order to move on. Personally I think I'm good at closing doors, certainly if you ask my mother or ex-husband they'll tell you I actually slam them shut, fit extra locks then erect barricades. Decision made, door closed, discussion not permitted, that's me.During a conversation last week a

Botti up your face

2007-08-11T13:53:00.000+01:00

Ever wanted to know what you'd look like as another race? Another gender? A Manga cartoon?This is me, as painted by Botticelli. I always liked that fella... Be warned though, it can be a quite emotional experience. I viewed myself masculinised and finally get what people mean when they say blimey you're yer father's daughter, you are! It's so nice to see for myself that I got more from him than

Dreamweaving

2007-08-07T14:52:00.000+01:00

I'm fiddling about with templates so just pretend you can't see this, ok? Especially if you're allergic... *cough*Cakey!*cough*or this...God, I'm just so artistic given the chance! Actually, it's more that my plan to create sparks between the sheets was banjaxed so I'm left creating style sheets with spark instead.

2007-08-06T14:46:00.001+01:00

Double bluff

2007-08-03T10:49:00.000+01:00

Spiralling conversation, wine soaked wanting writ large in small text. Rights, responsibilities, right, wrong, right, left, right, left, right... what's left?Ultimatum, the only way to end the vicious circle. If only for temporary closure I share my plan, disclose time and place safe in the knowledge that harsh morning light will make your decision and it will be over, till next time. You know

Oranges are not the only fruit

2007-08-01T15:21:00.000+01:00

Neither are they the best. The best fruit is the tomato.Let's go back to the security of basics. Tomato combined with egg is an experience so naturally right that it makes the world seem safer. The flavours of each are so enhanced by the other it's impossible to imagine any other pairing being as good.And then you taste tomato with mature, crumbly cheddar cheese and realise that pure, natural

Bouquets and brickbats

2007-07-26T14:23:00.000+01:00

Finding out that Foucault and figures didn't fulfil me, I jacked in my psychology degree last year. Then came the court case and it was all I could do to keep my house in order, my children alive and my sanity intact. With that over and babygirl out of primary school I started to think about what to do with myself, more to the point, for myself.The usual things sprang to mind; I could properly

School's out

2007-07-20T12:03:00.000+01:00

But not for summer, what with the constant teeming rain and grey, depressing skies. Ick.Babygirl has attended her last junior disco, received her final report, collected autographs and messages from teachers, midday assistants, learning support staff, office ladies and cleaners. Basically, every adult that formed the team she's had around her for the past few years making her days of education

Pignorant selfarshe twunt - the update

2007-07-16T23:25:00.000+01:00

Running round like a loony today, the usual monday stuff plus I had to get the car cleaned out for tomorrows funeral. I finally had five minutes stoppage time outside newphew's school and thought I'd best do something about this rage I felt towards A for not answering me. Here come the thumbs, here come the thumbs...I take it you don't want to lend me your jacket then? There are only two bloody

Pignorant selfarshe twunt!

2007-07-16T00:27:00.000+01:00

A has given in to the stress and packed up teaching/training. Ostensibly for a few months but I can't see him coming back knowing that even more people will have graded above him in the meantime. Bad news for his ego but good news for me cos my schedule is fixed again since I'm not covering his classes left, right and up my own arse.I let him know that our colleague had died and we had a quick

Snot Scots!

2007-07-14T01:33:00.000+01:00

I don't get it!What in the world is that about? Come on, I've seen things on cars that were far more offensive than nods to nasal nuggets.Ok, yeah; they're mostly situated directly behind the steering wheel but sometimes, (like on the motorway millimetering towards Vi's and applying make-up whilst stuck behind a 4WD with dvd screens in the rear of the cream leather headrests and a huge pair of

Why I don't work in a cafe anymore

2007-07-11T13:49:00.001+01:00

That heap of mushroomy gunk is my very best attempt at treating myself to a nice omelette for lunch.

Nothing to see here

2007-07-11T12:22:00.000+01:00

Not enough to say? Too much to say and not enough words? I’ve not quite figured which of these situations is true but, either way, I apologise for the posting of total shite and then general nothingness of late. I tell myself it would help if Virgin Media put out a bit of decent broadband but really I think it’s cos I bore myself when I don’t drink. I’m still in Big Blogger, albeit

What the dustmen saw

2007-07-04T17:36:00.001+01:00

...was an earth-savingly small bag of refuse outside my house. This is highly unusual and would have surprised them, perhaps even more than the fact that I'd put it out last night and didn't come bounding up the road after them in my jammies.What a difference a week sans children makes! The only things in the bag were four empty frozen veg packets, the remains of the salad draw and a couple of