Men really are buslike... part one

History of my relationship with A:

Me, November 2005: In love with A, someone that's chronically married. When will I finally break this pattern?!

A: I can't leave even though you're the best thing that ever happened to me and I really want to.

Me, April 2006: Enough, I can't do this anymore. It's not fair to anyone involved, it not only offends my fundamental feminist principles but I've actually realised that I deserve more so I'm going to date other men and see what happens.

A: I'm absolutely not happy about it but I accept that I don't have a right to dictate (subtext - if you really love me then please don't make anyone else feel the same way you make me feel even tho I'm giving you nothing back whilst making a big deal of anything I do give)

Me, June 2006: Having had a few dates I go on my first ever holiday alone. I fly to Fueteventura to sunbathe singly and tingly and welcome the anniversary of my birth for the 37th time whilst my children spend a week with my ex-husband and sister/her large extended family doing cool bonding stuff on the coast.

Me, June 21st 2006: Arrive back in the UK a day before my children return home and plan how to tell him that night that I won't be seeing him again as a lover cos I've spent the week away getting all brave enough to stick up for myself but I had planned how to keep our wonderful friendship. He knows I'm back today so he's bound to get in touch, yeah?

A: Leaves it days before texting me to ask how my holiday was and say he has some news to tell me when we teach together that night.

Me, confused at this turn of events having spent a week developing a 'it's not you, it's me' speech in order to spare his feelings: Weedles some news out of him by text. He's had his tongue pierced, the rest he'll tell me in person.

A, five days afer I return from holiday: Turns up as usual to help out with my class and, in the middle of my teaching a kata, whispers to me that he'd left his wife the day after my birthday.

Me, at that point: Totally gobsmacked. This wasn't the plan. But kinda explains the lack of any happy birthday wishes from him so I forgive him.

A: My family are overjoyed and willing to throw money at me now I've moved on but I'm a bit emotionless whilst I have this divorce stuff going on.

Me: Ok, I've been there and know it isn't easy or undertaken without real thought, I'll quit dating other people and be here for you. It wasn't what I was expecting but I'll cope because I love you.

Soon after: I crashed my car so he picks me up for a martial arts seminar we'd booked to attend together and we go to bed before we leave for training. He's broke so I pay for us both, did I just pay for sex?! Anyway, that's the last time we sleep together.

A, at many and various points since then having been openly and assertively asked if he wants me to just bog off with the supportive texts that never get answered and leave him alone... "No, I absolutely don't want you to leave me. I just need to be emotionally and sexually cold to sort this out and couldn't possibly burden you with talking about it cos it's soooo horrible". Yeah, cos I've not been through it myself or counselled at least thirty mates through their own divorces... *sigh*

Me, lately: Going through the toughest time of my life. Really. Fucking. Tough. As well as the usual practicalities of bringing up my children alone/fending off my Scorpio ex-husband who sees any show of weakness as a sign to try and jump back into my bed/looking after my siblings and students, I'm making a mega-multi-page statement to the police about the step-father that sexually abused me and my little sister 30 years ago in order to try and get some sort of justice/validation of feeling and put a stop to the minimalising-denial at last. I keep all this away from A, seeing as he's acting like the only person in the world that ever got a divorce (thank Dog he never had to do it without emotionally and financially supportive parents like I did ffs!)

So I decide to date again and get some fun back. Plus, I've admitted to myself that I don't feel independent and free anymore; I feel wretchedly, heart-achingly, lonely. Even the wonderful, passionate argentinian I spent the night with on holiday didn't fill all the gaps I needed filling.