Peace of my mind

For a bubbly, gregarious person, I've always needed a ridiculously large amount of time on my own to retain some semblance of sanity.

Don't get me wrong, I'm hardly a hermit. A true gemini, I absolutely love socialising, communicating, sharing written and spoken language, finding common bonds and understanding differences. People simply fascinate me, to the point where meeting new ones turns me into a baby who's just discovered their own hand with their eyes and connected the two.

I can pick up on the wants and needs of another soul almost immediately; say all the right things, induce all the right feelings to make things better - and all without even thinking about it. Gob opens, words pour out, friendships are cemented. Everyone loves Angie!

I used to see this as a gift. I now wish I'd checked the teeth of that particular horse.

People haven't changed, they're still fascinating and lovable and their 'flaws', as it were, only serve to illuminate that. It's not their fault that I find them emotionally exhausting, it's not that they mean to drain me of every mental resource I possess, I can't blame them for feeling that my recognising the gaps they need filling extends to my filling them.

Which means the buck stops with me.

I thought I'd stopped being a martyr when I cut ties with my mother and informed my siblings that I would no longer parent them, demoting myself to their equal and accepting that I was an emotional orphan. I look around me now and still see a long list of people that rely on me for some kind of emotional support and actually, this is worse.

This time, the situation is of my own making. The image I projected caused this - no accident of birth, no act of abuse, just me being a fussy, independent, look-how-strong-I-am bitch.

My college class consists of women aged 17-63. Every one of whom looks to me to be the funny one who says what needs to be said in a way that gets the point over yet leaves the room smiling. Class rep voting was 18-1. I was the 1.

I did half of my required work experience in a florist during the last holidays. It's an East-end, family run business of many years standing and excellent reputation so I pulled my cockney strings to ensure I got a place even though other students had been turned down. What I experienced taught me nothing about floristry and a lot about me. I know more about management than I gave myself credit for but, judging by the sad looks, warm hugs and 'don't you dare wait till you're next working to come and see us, Babs!', less about how to ration myself in the face of people that are in need of a lift.

I keep hearing myself saying that I'm all peopled out. I've fulfilled my teaching obligations - I'd never let my karate students down no matter what - and I've gone to college all but two days. (in my defence, one of them was when my car broke down so I had no choice in being absent). I've fitted work experience into the holidays and skipped my own karate training for weeks on end thinking that would help but, no.

I still feel all peopled out.

Anyone got a box I could hide in for a while? Preferably soundproof...