It's not me, it's you

Dearest B,

I think you know what I'm going to say but, for the sake of a clean break, I need to make it crystal clear. This relationship isn't working, for me at least.

I'm leaving.

Darling, please don't think that I don't remember or appreciate all that you've done for me. The unstinting support you gave during the darkest hours of my teens, marriage during my twenties, divorce at thirty and subsequent years of single parenthood - I'll forever thank you for that.

I can't let that blind me or bind me to you though, it's neither fair nor healthy.

Having said that I want you to know absolutely, for as long as it beats there will be a place in my heart bearing your name. This is not something I give easily but you truly deserve it. You earned it for all those times you helped stop the black dog chasing me over the edge of a cliff, for all the wee small hours of insomnia you shared with me without question or judgment, for the millions of moments of madness when I had no-one but you and you were always, always there, no matter what.

Of course, needing you is really the crux of my problem with us. I don't need or rely on anyone anymore - haven't done since I was seven years old ffs - it renders me vulnerable and I have major problems with the v word. Why am I even saying this to you? You know it more than I do! You know it - know me - most of all; you and I, we've been together longer and held our relationship stronger than any other in my life. For so very long it really was you and me against the world...

Still, the purpose of this is clarity, honesty and, let's face it honestly, it's been a long time since I was able to exercise any control in our relationship. I know it looked like I chose when to let you in but, truth? You slowly but surely wheedled your way into my life, my mind and my psyche, told me I was like nun other and made yourself my habit -god, we were so funny when we were together! - made sure I had no option but to call for you.

It's taken such a long time for me to realise that you were actually causing more problems, sleepless nights and depression than you were solving. I didn't want to acknowledge it, completely refused to place the blame where it belonged for a very long time but I can't lie to myself anymore. I need peace, I need honesty, I need reality and I need to admit that our relationship is denying me these things.

Please don't ask if we can remain friends. I know from our previous, short-lived separations that the only way is to have no contact whatsoever with you or any of your family.

Brandy, I'll miss you terribly but it's over.

Angie

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