*insert punny post title here*

Much as I love them, I just don't have the mental energy to think of a punny or alliterative title. I have also lost the ability to edit so I apologise for the nonsense that is this random, interrupted* stream of consciousness.

I often refer to my mother as an emotional vampire but I've come to realise that it's not just her, it's everyone that isn't me. My second most often thought phrase is 'for fucks sake, no matter how fat I get there's still not enough of me to go round!'. **

Babygirl has always been one of those 'look at me, mum!' kids. Despite, or maybe because of, being hailed a clever, beautiful princess at every given self esteem boosting chance she insists on having full attention whenever she feels the need. She will talk at me for hours on end, the only thing that stops her is my disagreeing with something important like a choice of shoes, or pointing out that her newest best friend is in fact a bit of a lowlife/chav/liar etc. This stops the talking but, as a downside, is guaranteed to bring on the 'oh my God how could you even say that, I'm so offended!' look, closely followed by the storming off and door slamming routine. We have good moments though; shopping for bras, my joy at her pride in becoming a woman, discussing suitable methods of depilation then sharing a tube of Veet for the first time, both of us giggling over how handsome we find David Tennant.

Babyboy is still on school report and, six weeks in to this latest episode, not improving his behaviour one little bit. Once again he was banned from the theme park trip with the rest of the school which kind of backfired as, in his own words, 'what do I have to lose?'. Eye-q came up during a dinner discussion and he mentioned that he'd take it properly this time as he now realised that it was expensive stuff to throw away whilst pretending to take it. We bought a bottle together.

It took four days for him to remember it was in the house and two reminders for him to take the second dose. I could ask him three times a day for twelve weeks whether he's taken it but I know from experience that this only creates conflict. You can't win with aspie types, they need the reminders but resent the provider.

It's not all bad though, when he comes to sit by me on the sofa and asks me to run my nails up and down his arm or through his lovely long, soft hair as we watch something that makes us both laugh out loud I forget that he has so many issues and just relish that, when he does occasionally choose to have physical contact of any sort, it's with me. Part of that me thinks he's just not cut out for formal learning settings. The more pragmatic part of me thinks the world won't change for him and he needs to learn coping strategies, fast. These parts of me bicker in between our golden moments of communication.

No 1 Son has completed his exams, attended his prom and continues to believe his destiny is to have the position of world dictator handed to him on a silver platter even though they don't provide that course at college. I've had to have a word with ex-husband and put a stop to the constant stream of money he provides, gently explaining that this tactic ultimately disempowers young people rather than ensures that they love you the most. Still, No 1 Son is finding his massive man-feet more than ever. Testosterone and know-it-all hormones are positively overflowing from his pores and he's morphed into what I can only term as a bone idle gobshite. One that wants to cycle to Wales and back, live nocturnally, be left alone when he feels like it but have full attention the instant he doesn't. Hard bloody work but again, there are beautiful, uplifting moments of privately shared jokes and reminders of myself and flashes of the boy that still needs his mum to be a mum no matter how bigger or stronger than her he grows to be.

I'm very aware that moments like these need to be relished, stored away in memory and relived during the more common, more testing times. Mostly because I'm convinced these moments are all that stop us being like animals and eating our young at the first opportunity.




* It's currently 1.12am. No 1 Son has just called me from his room, on his mobile, to ask me about a problem with his laptop. There really isn't a single minute of the day I'm not on duty.

** The first is 'leave me alone!'