Reading the cards

Helibags has suggested a wonderful idea. You know those cards you see in Clintons and the like that purport to really express your innermost feelings? Of course you do, they're in every aisle of every card shop you've ever raced in to buy a cardboard congrats on the way to a mates wedding. Crikey, you can't even go into the local corner shop to purchase an old Cholmondley-Warner type photo with an amusingly ironic caption without being faced with a rack of pastel cards covered in fancy print so I just know you know what I mean.

Anyway, heli of the fab wellies suggested we create a range of greeting cards to honestly reply to those 'heartfelt' ones. After a brainstorm, a period of blue-sky thinking and running with it outside the box I came up with the company title - FartSmelt - and this starter pack of HeartFelt cards and the FartSmelt replies...


HF - I need you in my life
FS - Ask yourself this. Just how sexy can emotional clingfilm ever be?

HF - Thank you for being my friend
FS - Fuck me or fuck off, would ya?

HF - You're the best granny ever
FS - Hey kid; I've willed my money to a cat's home and knitted you a doily, d'ya still love me?

HF - You're the best brother/sister in the world
FS - Yeah, yeah. Sorry I missed your kids birthday... it's just that I don't care enough to remember.

HF - These hard times will pass and make you stronger
FS - So you know I'm having it rough and send me a card with no cash in? Please know that when I get strong enough I'm going to slap you.

HF - I know our relationship is rocky right now, I'm working through it
FS - Why not work through it somewhere else? Go back to the shop where you bought the card then just keep walking. It's best for both of us.

HF - You are very special and I think of you all the time
FS - You need a specialist and the injunction is in the post

HF - Hold on tight, there will be a rainbow after this storm
FS - Hold on, I thought I'd killed all you happy-clappy people? I'll personally thank you for this card by servicing your car brakes

Any more suggestions? You'll get credit in tiny writing when we go global.