Mr Motivator

Boots say 'change one thing'

I say 'freshly shaved bollocks to that!'

This is a gift to single women everywhere (and single men, I couldn't possibly leave my Gay Best Friend or db out of the loop! Not that GBF is up-to-date on my life lately or even knows this is me cos the lovely great fairy (that runs the best abuse survivors website in the world) and his BF are giving me space to deal with the trials of the trial, bless their hearts)

*ahem* Anyway...

Do you need the ultimate, absolute, can't possibly fail way to stick to your diet and exercise plan this January? Of course you do, we all do! G'wan, g'wan, g'wan - stick your hand up there and be proud, we don't do shame on this blog!

Fret ye not dear, lucky people for, not only are you are not alone but, even better than that, I have the answer! The excesses of christmas will soon be banished (yes, even if your christmas celebratory intake of bloat-inducing carbohydrates and extra booze stretched from December 1st to 12th night like mine did!) and the jeans you were wearing last November will no longer mock you silently from the corner of the room cos they'll be too busy hugging your sexy ass!

This is the plan that works! Follow it correctly and you will see those 14-pounds-from-not-perfect-but-okay-about-myself magically drop from your tummy/hips/bingo wings and down the toilet. Girls, the bonus is that your boobs, if anything like mine, will stay the same! Mail me for my paypal addy if you feel the need to thank me (or comment, it's hardly a secret that I'm a word whore)


This, my single friends, is the only plan to follow. Believe me on this, Slimfast can kiss my rapidly shrinking arse.

1 - Start talking to a single of your preferred sex, preferably someone you already like as a person but, failing that? Any port is good enough in a storm. Chat by email only for best results. No live visuals are allowed under any circumstances. You may as well inhale Tate and Lyles. Smash up your webcam if needs be. You and your waistline are worth it.

2 - Wait till the general chat turns to sex (this really shouldn't take long unless you're hetero and have chosen to talk to someone gay or vice versa. If this is the case then return to step 1, quickly! Stop reading ffs, you're wasting precious time! Oh, and put that bloody pie down!)

3 - Realise that the only thing stopping you and your potential Best. Lover. Evah! making your joint fantasies real is your own shitty body image.

4 - Think of a not too distant but achievable date to have lost your preferred amount of weight.

5 - Arrange a date with email lover for that day and watch the pounds melt as you go crazy with anticipation (ably assisted by continued, regular non-live-visual contact).

See? Easy! Cock beats cake any day of the week! (In fact if you're really good you could reward yourself with some cake on his cock...)