Tuesday, March 13

Real mums piss themselves laughing

And sneezing. And coughing. And running. And all the exercises in the world are useless if the sneeze or cough hits you before your clench reaction kicks in. Ladies, you simply have to keep practicing these things (try this to make it less of a chore!). It needs to become a reflex.

Which is not all bad what with the clench being so good for your sex life, especially when you're too knackered for a full on session with the man who actually caused your pelvic floor to need a damp-proof membrane. If you can clench it hard and rhythmically enough you need not move your arse at all to bring him off, roll him off then get some sleep before the baby takes his place pawing at your boobs.

If you never quite got into the 'riding the elevator' at traffic lights habit then fear not. There are now an array of female incontinence aids that you can just pop in with your weekly groceries without embarrassment. Seriously, this is the one that Tena call 'discreet'...


So discreet that no-one in the supermarket will ever notice that you need a whole extra trolley for a weeks supply!

With thanks to Emma, my mucky minded martini loving mummy mate for the tag (bitch!)

I'm tagging OG, Vi, and LiR (I know I'm meant to tag five but I can't think of any other mums on my blogroll!) Basically you write a blog post on a deep dark truth about mums. Start with Real Moms [insert the deep dark truth here] and add a picture.

16 comments:

me said...

ooh. discreet??... shocking, more like.

i am SO pleased i have been doing my exercises - and will be squeezing all evening, just to erase the image of those knickers from my head.

EmmaK said...

Very funny, I must admit that I do pee myself these days but only if I have a full bladder and have to sneeze. I don't think I am quite ready for the incontinence pads yet though. I could hardly think of any mums to tag either, all my bloggy friends are single, degenerate or both.

Midnight said...

Very enlightening, but I think I shall now avert my gaze before I get too carried away with the attire ... not!

VI said...

Is that for the woman who wants to pretend she's a man????

I had two c sections, so I don't have that problem!

Thanks for the tag, bitch!

Fussy Bitch said...

I never thought I'd meet an aussie who was too posh to push! ;-)

I'm a clench at traffic lights girl meself (and have had the compliments to prove it *dry-drawered cough* but every woman must listen to that song, it's brilliant in a really stupid way.

Ooh, me - I just remembered you're a mum! I tag you too! And I did think of our fille but thought I'd spare her blog. Having read her comment on Emma's however, I'm tagging her to do the stretchmarks post! :-)

VI said...

Damn, I was gonna do the stretchmark one! Go on, make it harder for me! Going to have to go with the 'dark' truth then.

word verif: thewpwwp

That should be the name of your inconstinent club! the wee pee wee wee pee club!

Ordinary Girl said...

Cheers for the tag FB. Have done as I am told! Vi stole my post (grrr) so have had to throw out some other old twaddle which is nowhere near as amusing as yours unfortunately.

PS. I'm a traffic lights girl too. Red lights have to have some positive outcome :-)

Lady in red said...

ouch I just noticed you tagged me ok I will see what I can do.

ps its good to see 'the man' back blogging again

Lambent said...

I don't know why but I find those knickers fucking arousing.

I'd like to see Oprah Winfrey in them. Or any woman over 50 in fact.

IN FACT, I'd like to see a load of Granny's wearing them and parading around my living room singing World War 2-era uplifting songs.

Waynecoff said...

Is the time to mention my nappy fetich, or should I wait, x

Eric said...

I really like the name of this blog.

Lady in red said...

ok I have thought about this...cant do incontinence or stretchmarks or feeling like not being a mum. but I have come up with the topic for my post it may take a day or so to do.

Fussy Bitch said...

Vi - the only thing I can say to that is PMSL!

OG and LiR - Look forward to reading them.

Lambent - how old are you? *whistles we'll meet again* ;-)

Eric - nice of you to pop in, welcome! Your blog will go on my bookmarks as another blokes eye view.

Lambent said...

34, but I like the idea of being a toyboy. I think I only have a few more years to be one.

EmmaK said...

lambent...depends how boyish looking you are. I think you may have missed the boat on this one. My husband was (still is) eight years younger, 20 when I met him and he was a real toy boy. Although I suppose you could be a toy boy to a seventy year old.

tracey said...

Story of my life. Sigh.